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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy walked into a crowded bar,
waving his unholstered pistol and
yelled, " I have a 45 calibre colt 1911
with a seven round magazine plus
one in the chamber and I want to
know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

" you need more ammo!"
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Bit of advice. Buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes, because if you aren't in one you'll be in the other.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2019 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to the doctor’s office
the other day at my wife’s
request and found out our
new family doctor is a young
female and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed but she said,

“Don’t worry, I’m a professional –
I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me
what’s wrong and I’ll check it out?”

I said, “My wife thinks my penis tastes
like strawberries”
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2019 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as Social Services wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Mansfield, Hull, Chesterfield, Bolton, Congleton, Coventry, Whitefield, Sleaford and anywhere in Wales.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2019 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Solicitor's Porsche

A London Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police.
Five minutes later the police arrive.. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner.
The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The Solicitor looked down in horror.
"F***** hell !" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex ????"
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Stig
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PostPosted: Tue May 21, 2019 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bet that's a true story nod laugh
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon May 27, 2019 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A girl sneezed in the pub
And her glass eye flew out
And landed in my hand.
I took it back to her
And we got chatting.

After a few beers, I took
her home and shagged
her.

Wondering if she was a bit
Of a slapper I asked her,
“Do you shag everyone on
a first date?”

She said,
“No, Only those that catch
my eye..”
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 10:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse dont talk but."
Englishman: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheeps a fucking liar bud!!"
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Stig
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

While riding my Ace, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Ace, I guess."

😜
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now don't be copying these joke's young man. If you look at the top of page 19 you'll see this joke has already been done. There's only room for one comic on this site. laugh laugh
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

memory not that good. Its an age thing laugh
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 10:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry about it boss it happens a lot with me too. We did some shopping at Tescos yesterday and they gave us one of those blue plastic coins which you can put in to a large cabinet in store. There were 3 options so I picked the one that could help us two out in the future. It was the Alzheimer's slot I picked. laugh laugh laugh
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2019 7:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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nuggitt
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2019 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter's house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"


"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."


A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't get your email."
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny"s bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.Little Johnny smiles, "It"s not so fucking funny when it"s YOUR mum, is it?"
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don"t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
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